[Wednesday Wellness] Changing your lens: opportunity for self-compassion

By Ashlyn Johnson, LMSW, Living Well Counseling

The phrase “I am my own worst critic” rings true for many people. Self-judgement can leave people feeling down, hopeless, and anxious.  

Why is this? People often view themselves through a lens of unrealistic expectations. This could be expectations at home, at the gym, at work, with friends, with their mental health, spiritual life, etc. While the desire to succeed and do well at things is important, the drive for this can often catapult into perfectionism. The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as, “the tendency to demand of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” Catch that word flawless? Is flawless possible? The answer is no. To be human is to be a flawed individual.  

So why is it that people still hold themselves to this unrealistic standard? The environment a person grew up in, the hurried hustle of life, the comparison of self to others in similar stages of life, and other life circumstances can be the cause of this; however, staying in this cycle does not have to be permanent. Healing through surrender of perfectionism and understanding of one’s true capacity is possible.  

Praying for Yourself  

This is not selfish. In fact, God welcomes it. Psalm 55: 22 says, “Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.” God is not burdened by your needs. Prayers of surrender, desperation, hopelessness, heartache, praise, and thankfulness are all part of walking with Jesus. He wants it all. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Coming to Jesus with your own needs is not a mark of failure or selfishness. It is a mark of someone wanting to be filled with Jesus’s power and not your own. Let yourself be needy before Him and watch how He can step into those hard spaces with you.  

Asking, “How would I respond to a friend in a similar circumstance?”  

This question usually results in an answer of “I would support them, listen to them, encourage them, pray for them, and not judge them for their feelings.” Turning the question around to self can be difficult, because of the lens people often view life through – the lens of “grace and support is for everyone else, but not for me.” Try viewing yourself through the lens you view your friends through. A lens of compassion, grace, and love. Responding to yourself in the way that you would respond to a friend can lead to you allowing yourself to acknowledge unmet needs, give space for flaws (which are NORMAL, by the way), and tune in to the parts that God wants to heal.  

Viewing Your Emotions with Compassion 

Emotions are always trying to tell us something. When we stifle them or choose to ignore them, they always resurface. Perfectionism can sometimes be a way of hiding true emotions. Admitting that you don’t have it all together and actually have hard feelings sounds icky and avoiding it can be easier in the moment. But a life of perfection is truly unattainable and allowing yourself to experience the hard emotions and truly release them can actually create a more fulfilling life – a life where you don’t have to fake-it-till-you-make-it and feel depleted at the end of the day.  

What emotions are you trying to hide right now? Is it sadness, disappointment, anger, loneliness, rejected, numb, fearful, jealous, overwhelmed? Allow yourself to name it. 

 I’m going to give you a ticket to be human for a second. Say to yourself: It is okay to feel ____________. Feeling ___________ does not mean I am a failure. Feeling ____________ means that I have a part of me that needs support, encouragement, and care.  Now here’s the good part. Take that feeling to the feet of Jesus, voicing your need for Him to sustain you, and acknowledging that you cannot do it on your own. Let Him take that emotional burden and lift you up.  

Changing your lens from perfectionism to self-compassion is not easy. It is not a one-time deal, but the process is so worth it. Your personal experiences and emotions matter deeply. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend today and take one step toward surrendering the burden of perfection.