by Heather Maino, Clinical Director of Counseling, Living Well Counseling
January 4, 2024… It was our fourth wedding anniversary. I stood on the shoulder of the Interstate in tears, my eyes transfixed on Cayson’s wrecked car and body being carried away. The day was meant to be beautiful, but it was brutal. Body aching from sobs and numb from the cold, my mind was spinning with anger, sadness, and fear for our family’s future. It was the onset of winter in my heart. I longed for comfort.
One truth anchored me: I know the One who knows all our days.
Grief and joy of special days inevitably collide, often leaving us angry, withdrawn, or numb. Nevertheless, God’s faithfulness met me in quiet ways. The consistent practice of abiding in Christ had prepared me to trust His unchanging character when everything unraveled.
When words failed, I experienced music leading me to the feet of Jesus. In the early hours of the morning after losing Cayson, I found my husband in the kitchen making coffee. Music was playing – songs that spoke to the heart and soul of the faith we would need in the days to come. It started with one song and then another. Before long, we had a playlist we turned to repeatedly – “New Baseline Way Above the Clouds” – and that is exactly what it was. It kept our eyes above the clouds, looking at Jesus.
There is no one way to grieve. Sometimes grieving well means just getting out of bed, accepting help, or choosing to worship through tears. For me, it meant gratitude lists, reading Psalms, familiar rhythms of worship, and learning to breathe again through music. It meant giving memorial gifts to everyone at Christmas, sharing good memories on his birthday, and lighting a Yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of the accident. Looking backward, I see the steady hand of God’s faithfulness, even when I couldn’t feel it in the moment.
January 4, 2025… We honored BOTH the life we lost AND the life we share. Somewhere along the way, Winter turned to Spring because He is faithful.
“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed… great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23.
From Personal to Professional: 14 Tips for Managing Grief Practically
As she’s walked through her own grief, Heather offers these practical ways to support healing during seasons of loss, drawn from both personal experience and years of walking with others in her role as a counselor.
- Give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions: Allow yourself to feel as bad as you actually feel and also to feel better when moments of relief or joy come.
- Lean into music or Scripture when words fail: Create a playlist of worship songs or keep a list of comforting Scriptures to return to when it’s hard to pray or think clearly.
- Keep familiar rhythms: Simple routines – morning coffee, a walk, prayer at night – can provide steadiness when everything else feels uncertain.
- Practice gratitude, even in small ways: Write down one or two things daily that remind you of God’s goodness. Gratitude doesn’t erase grief but anchors the heart.
- Release the “shoulds”: Grief doesn’t follow a straight line or timetable. Let go of expectations – both from others and from yourself. You don’t owe anyone a certain pace or path of grieving.
- Receive help from others: Let friends, family, or church members show up to serve, pray or sit with you. Their presence is part of God’s faithfulness. Don’t be afraid to need others.
- Create intentional remembrances: Mark anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays with meaningful rituals – lighting a candle, sharing memories, or giving a special gift in honor of your loved one.
- Give yourself permission to change traditions: It’s okay to do some things differently and some things the same. Adjusting rituals can help balance comfort and growth, giving space for both memory and healing.
- Build in healthy distractions: Balance times of sorrow with moments that give your heart a break – gardening, baking, art, reading or time outside. These small respites make grief more bearable.
- Practice self-soothing and self-care: Gentle activities like journaling, a warm bath, listening to calming music, or breathing prayer can help regulate overwhelming emotions.
- Use a “solution card:” Keep a small card in your Bible or journal with a list of reminders of healthy coping strategies so that when grief feels paralyzing, you have a plan ready.
- Schedule structured time to grieve: Set aside intentional moments to remember, cry, and pray. This gives grief a safe container while allowing you to keep living daily life.
- Take grief one day (or moment) at a time: Living well doesn’t mean “moving on.” It means rising again and again with God’s strength, trusting His faithfulness in the next breath.
- Don’t go it alone: Connect with a local church, a Christian counselor, or the While We’re Waiting ministry. There are many people who have been there and are waiting to help.