As a licensed professional counselor, I am frequently asked the question, “How do I get my teenage daughter/son to talk to me?” During the season of having three teenagers at home, I dealt with this myself as well. What I have learned, both in my practice and in my personal experiences, is that children just want to he heard…much like adults do.
As parents, we are supposed to teach our children about life, teaching them right from wrong and how to navigate peer pressure. We want to shield and protect them from making the same mistakes we did, or just from making mistakes in general. We don’t want them to have a hard time, and we hope to protect them from hurt. We try to give them our wisdom, so that they will navigate life in the best way possible.
Often parents will say that when their child became a teenager that their child changed. They may say, “When Susie became a teenager she stopped talking to me.” True, children do change in various ways as they get older. However, there are things that we as parents do that can be roadblocks to communication. This came as a rude awakening for me one day in the car when one of my girls was telling me about her day. I, of course, began giving my invaluable opinion on the situation she shared with me, when she suddenly said, “Why do you always have to make everything a life lesson? It makes me not even want to talk to you!”
Whoa…that was a clarion wakeup call! It also opened a dialogue between my daughter and me, so that I could learn from her. I began asking, “How I can help her WANT to talk to me about her life?”
It really made me think… if I were talking to my own mother, or even a friend and they always tried to tell me what I was doing wrong, critiquing me, correcting how I had handled a situation, or even how my friends had handled a situation, would I want to share things with that person… For me, the answer was decidedly, “NO!”
It also caused me to take note of teenage clients of mine and their relationships with their parents. It seemed there was a consensus among all teens that I was involved with. Much like adults, teens just want to be HEARD.
Of course, as parents, we know it is our role to speak into their lives discipline (disciple them into Christlikeness). Towards that goal, there are things we can do to help open the lines of communication with our children.
- Make sure you are approachable by providing a safe environment for your child to come to you – be aware of your mood, body language, demeanor by asking yourself, “Am I easy to talk to? Am I snappy or annoyed when my child approaches me, due to work or other stressors?”
- Give your undivided attention. I’m not saying that we always need to drop everything and have a conversation. However, when your child approaches you, communication skills like making eye contact demonstrate to them that you are present and available. If you can’t stop what you’re doing right then, you could say something like, “I really want to hear what you have say, so when I get this done in 20 minutes, I’ll come find you.” Then do it! Don’t forget to go back and find them.
- Validate their feelings and don’t turn everything into a “life lesson.” Sometimes just listening and validating someone is enough. Remember, children want to be heard. We don’t like it when our kids are upset or being dramatic, so we try to minimize their feelings. Instead of telling Susie, “That’s nothing to be upset about,” or “Well, what you should have done was X, Y, Z…,” you could say something like, “It sounds like that really hurt your feelings. I’m sorry that happened.” Sometimes it is best to go back later to discuss your concerns. Pay attention to your child. You can probably tell if they are going to receive your “criticism” in that moment or not. If you don’t time your corrections appropriately, they may just tune you out. Then you’ve wasted your “life lesson” at that point.
- Give direction without belittling them. Belittling causes children (and adults) to become angry and discouraged. In Ephesians 6:4 Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ultimately, we are called to discipline our children with love. This helps them understand what Christ’s love is like.
Ultimately, it takes lots of patience to be a parent and in our busy world, patience can be difficult to attain. Yet, learning to be approachable and learning to be a good listener is worth it to have your teen talk to you and let you into their world.
Rita Dickson is Christian Counselor in Jonesboro, AR. She has three grown children and a precious granddaughter. She has lots of personal and professional experience with teens and their families, and a wide array of experiences with many other individual and family situations. She is a member of Central Baptist Church in Jonesboro, AR. If you would like to connect with Rita for counseling, you can reach out to 870-336-1300.