By Rachel Strange, LAC, Living Well Counseling
Every human being has been hurt by another human being. It’s part of the human experience of living in a broken world. And some have been hurt in such wicked, evil, and unjust ways beyond what many of us could comprehend. There is no “moving on.” When we’re hurt, we have to heal, and healing involves honesty, dedication, vulnerability, and giving grace to ourselves. It’s a process full of ups and downs. This is why forgiveness can be a sensitive topic.
When we’re hurt, we don’t want to be told to forgive. Who are you to tell me to let this go? You have no idea what I’ve been through. We can feel that our hurt is being belittled. Forgiveness is not that easy when I am in the darkness that I am in. You don’t know what they did to me!
But there are truths about forgiveness that have gotten lost. The word has been abused, commanded without empathy and without true understanding of what it was intended for by the One who created it in the first place.
Forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you; it’s for you.
Our God is a good, loving God. He is not a tyrant. He cares about us as individuals, as His children. When He tells us to forgive (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18:21-22, etc.), it’s not because He thinks we’re being dramatic or childish and that we should simply move on. He tells us to forgive so that we might heal. Forgiveness involves trusting that He is in control, and the more we trust Him, the more peace we will experience. When we don’t forgive, we’re carrying a weight that we weren’t meant to carry. Forgiveness is saying, “Here, God. Take it. You will take care of this situation for your glory and my good.” Forgiveness is surrender, and He walks closely with you through it (Psalm 34:18). Forgiveness is a gift.
The healing that forgiveness allows is backed up by medical research as well. Studies have shown that forgiveness leads to improvement in blood pressure and cholesterol levels, sleep, and levels of anxiety and depression1. Forgiveness improves spiritual, mental, and physical health tremendously. And just like improving our physical health takes dedication and a daily decision, so does forgiveness. It’s a process and a recurring decision.
Does forgiveness excuse what was done to you? Absolutely not. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to trust the ones who have done us wrong, nor does it mean that everything in that relationship will go back to “normal”. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation, nor does it bring about justice. Everett Worthington, PhD, practiced “forgiveness therapy” and had to apply forgiveness himself when a loved one was killed in a home invasion. He says, “Whether I forgive or don’t forgive isn’t going to affect whether justice is done. Forgiveness happens inside my skin.”2 By forgiving, we can heal. We can grow more into the people God has created us to be. And we’re giving up the situation to God, allowing him to do whatever he sees fit in the situation. God sees our hurt and is with us in it (Hebrews 4:15). Forgiveness is not necessarily forgetting but letting go.
You were not meant to carry the weight of what happened to you. Lay it at the feet of Jesus by forgiving, knowing that He sees your pain and offers you peace and rest. Release what you’ve been holding so tightly and let Him replace it with goodness.
1 John Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.). Forgiveness: Your health depends on it. Retrieved May 9, 2024 from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it 2 Kirsten Weir. (January 2017). Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. Retrieved May 9, 2024 from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner