[Wednesday Wellness] Encouragement for the adoptive family

By Tabatha Miller, LCSW, Living Well Professional Counseling

November is National Adoption Month. For many, this brings up the mental image of a courtroom full of smiling faces as the adoption is finalized. It is good to rejoice when kids are legally joined to their forever family. Children need and deserve family and permanence. However, that day in the courtroom is so often the beginning steps on a long journey towards secure attachment.  

It is often shocking to realize how influential the first years of a child’s life are. Sometimes it is believed that we can quickly overcome a child’s early adverse childhood experiences and trauma with love, safety and affection. While connection is key to healing, the work is slow and can be discouraging. It is very difficult to experience rejection by the children we love, especially as we seek connection repeatedly. How does healing come? Yes, we need a realistic view of the impact of trauma on the brain and a child’s foundation, but that is not enough. We need God to show us how to walk this path.  

God does this in Luke 15. Jesus tells the story of disordered attachment. The prodigal son saw the father as a means to his desired end. He demanded what he wanted, and then he left when he got it. He never intended to come back, taking everything he had with him, rejecting his father and his upbringing. Picture the father’s response. He had no idea how his son was or if he would return. Imagine the father’s pain, his tears, the prayers, and his concern for his son. Imagine the father’s hurt and heartbreak. For some, those feelings are all too familiar. 

Yet, the father kept his heart open and ready for connection. How do we know? In verse 20, even before his son said a word, the father saw him, had compassion, ran to him, and welcomed him. He did not need the son’s speech in v. 21. The prodigal was always his son – it was never based on his actions. The prodigal did not know until that moment that his father’s love was not conditional. 

See, the prodigal had not come home for his father’s love. The prodigal came home after exhausting all his resources. His return was motivated by self-preservation. Although he had come to his senses, he had no idea how to make it right. His practiced speech was laced with shame, and his best hope was penance and servitude. Then, the prodigal found the unexpected when his father met him on the road. He experienced love in the father’s embrace, the covering of his shame, and the father signifying to all the prodigal’s place as son (v. 22-24). The son found love, safety, and affection, and this time, he could receive it. 

Jesus told this parable to highlight the gospel. The father in the story is to picture God the Father who made a way for permanence for us in His family at great expense to Himself, Jesus and their relationship. Only through Christ’s blood shed on the cross can we be redeemed and adopted as God’s sons and daughters. Ephesians 1 says that we are chosen, blessed with every spiritual blessing, and lavishly covered by grace. Just like the prodigal son. Why? Why kill the beloved Son for the prodigal? Because of love (Ephesians 1:3-10, Ephesians 2:4). 

How does this help you and your family? For you to meet your adoptive child with this type of attachment love requires God’s love inside of you. The starting place is to know how deeply loved you are. When you know His love, you know that your Father in heaven sees your efforts to connect, your pain, and your heart. You know that He is with you in it all. Knowing His love helps you keep space for your child and not self-protect your own heart. Knowing His love reminds you that He is firmly committed to seeking out the lost, and this stirs hope even when you can’t see a way. Knowing His love for your child and for you helps you to keep laying down your own defenses and loving because He first loved us (1 John 3:16-24). 

At ABCFM, we know that it can be hard to keep your heart tender towards one another in family life. Sometimes, families need specialized help and renewal to support bonding. A new initiative at ABCFM is seeking to serve adoptive families through family-focused retreats, designed to lay groundwork for connection and secure attachment.  Please visit https://abcfm.org/hfi for more information. To make an appointment visit EHR New Client Registration Portal. 

May God sustain you as you love like our Savior and create safe space for your children. May He fill you with hope when they lose their way. May your arms and your heart be open when they come home. May your children not only know and trust your love but God’s love. Above all, may God be glorified through the strengthening and restoration of families for His glory.